Friday, March 26, 2010

Deep Thoughts at 4 AM...

I've been having some discussions lately with others and with myself... How much is too much? What should a family of four be comfortable with? Is there ever enough money? How can we live more simply?

My heart's desire has always been to give. To be comfortable, not extravagant, and be able to give more than just tithe. At what point will I feel free to truly give the abundance of our income? Will I ever feel "safe enough" to give freely from the overflow of my heart?

Many of you know my background... I was raised by a single mother (my father passed away when I was three) and my grandmother. We were poor. At times we were hungry. We received government assistance in many forms on top of our social security checks (ie. health clinics, food lines, etc.) We needed.

In high school, due to unfortunate circumstances, I moved in with a Christian family, who personified the exact opposite of my family. They gave: tithe, offering, missions, building funds, gifts, fundraisers, charities, and I am sure many more ways than I was even aware. They fed me, clothed me, took me to doctors, put a roof over my head, took me on trips, helped educate me...just because that's the kind of people they were: givers. I was blessed.

I have always felt a deep need to give back. My eyes always overflow when a "feed the children" commercial comes on. My heart breaks when I drive past the foster home on St Rt 13. I have taken my children to food pantries. I have served faithfully (and some will say too much) in the church. I wonder at this point in my life, what my motivations are for service? Thanks? Gratitude? Relief? Pity? Understanding?

Here's what I know today: my children will NOT go hungry, they have clothes, they have medical care, they are loved. I am NOT that same hungry, scared, deprived little girl any more. My husband works his fanny off to provide for me and to make me feel safe, secure, and stable. He goes over and above the call of duty daily. I can not outgive/outwork God and working more doesn't impact how He loves me.

So, here is what I claim: I have enough. Satan, stop tormenting me with feelings of fear, inadequacy, temptation to hoard junk/food, and the thought that I can never have enough in my bank account/pantry/etc. I know in my head that everything GOD has given me can be taken away. I know in my heart that God is enough for me and that He has always and will continue to take care of me. I am NOT that little girl anymore and I want to live a life of JOY, FREEDOM, and PEACE.

Lord, Keep on keepin' on with me. I am learning more everyday of what it means to be sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. You are the Potter and I am Your clay; I need more molding. I trust You today. Amen.

"All of You is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with Your love.
And all I have in You is more than enough."


  1. The Israelites had to gather just enough manna every morning. If they gathered more, it would spoil. If they gathered less, they would be hungry that day. It's your daily portion of grace. (Beth Moore is awesome!) Great post. Thanks for sharing your struggles, I go through them, too. You're doing a great job and you are one of the most giving people I know. And I mean truly giving, from the heart as well as the pocketbook.

  2. I didn't know this about you Hope. I just want to say that I think you are really great. I have enjoyed getting to know you better! Everyone struggles and everyone has junk from their to anyone long enough and you'll see that we all have many reasons to be messed up! The amazing part is God has spared us from repeating the same mistakes that we grew up with...and we are blessed as a result! We can all keep working through together. Thanks for sharing.

    And why were you up at 4am??

  3. I was up at 4 am because I was having "deep thoughts" :) and I had already watched everything good on hulu! :)